"For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;"

I think certain people (myself included) are less likely to express appreciation or fondness for others if they seem to really want you to like them. I mean, if someone is fishing for compliments then I am less likely to oblige.

And that sort of sucks. Because when I compliment people when they deserve it but may not want it, they probably won’t appreciate it as much as someone who really wanted to be complimented. They’re probably glad their work is being appreciated but it doesn’t affect their self-esteem in the same way.

At the same time, I don’t appreciate when people do things just for compliments/appreciation. They do have self-esteem issues but that’s not the way to go about dealing with it.

It is quite difficult though. When you want something, like to be appreciated, then not doing anything to attain that desire is difficult.

This is why unconditional love and appreciation from parents is important. But it’s also important as individuals in others’ lives to not be SO judgmental and throw a bone every once in a while. I really need to work on this aspect as I never seem to throw bones or anything. :(

No one listens to me when I have great things to say and I can’t say great things when there’s a pen in my hand.

Positive punishment has taken it’s toll on me and it’ll take a toll on your kids and it’s taking a toll on this country.

Positive punishment works as such that when you don’t do something, you get punished for it. This, thus, reinforces you to do the something (whatever it may be) for fear of punishment.

Positive reinforcement is when you give someone a reward for doing something, and expectation of reward reinforces that behavior (see: Pavlov’s Dogs).

In our society’s haste, and through my own mother’s impatience, negative reinforcement has seemingly been the go to method in getting kids, and myself, to do things.

Why? Because it’s impossible (or at least not in a quick and easy way) to show a kid the rewards of knowing basic algebra. Maybe because the kid just doesn’t trust you because he’s a natural born skeptic. Maybe he can’t comprehend why it’s beneficial, so being a skeptic is failing him but you have not given him enough reason to trust you intellectually. But it doesn’t help when he’s focused on girls, cartoons, culture, music. For whatever reason, kids from age 8 to 16…17….no 20, just seem to care more about culture.

Some kids don’t see the positive reward in the form of learning for the sake of learning. They like the attention. In my case, they like seeming smart (though eventually you learn how to seem smart without actually getting good grades.) But they especially like the praise.

And praise is hard to do. My mom NEVER gave me praise because she wanted to instill in me a mentality that she thought was right. A mentality that greatness is expected and shouldn’t need to be praised. But greatness isn’t easy to attain, especially if you’re just not naturally great. Usually, hard work makes up for that but hard work is driven by positive reinforcement. And that’s really hard for a parent. I sort of know because even though I know all of this, giving my little sister praise has been difficult for me. I’ve been selfish in that I want her to do good based on her own convictions, not for my praise. But the alternative is debilitating.

Negative reinforcements affect on me is as such: I cannot do something, unless there’s a gun pointed to my head. I know, I know, all of you agree with this. I never made the connection to negative reinforcement until I began to set deadlines for myself. See, in school, if I didn’t do an assignment, I would get an F. And I wouldn’t do an assignment until just about one hour before it was due. Then I became Mozart of…whatever subject I was studying at the time. But when I set deadlines for myself, they had no real consequences. Because the things I wanted to do were for self-improvement. And if I didn’t do it, then there was no serious, dire and most importantly immediate consequences.

This has stifled me. And I always say “Just because you’ve put a label on your problem doesn’t absolve you from trying to fix it.” And you know what? I’m right. But for now, I warn you of the consequences of this sort of behavior. BEWAREEEEEEE.

Oh, so, solution-wise. I mean, these conditioned behaviors sort of have a degree of permanence. I mean, it’s a physical wiring in your brain. It’s going to take a lot of work. And you really don’t wanna wait til you’re 80 with a proverbial gun to your head, except this time armed with death-from-old-age-and-even-then-you’re-lucky-you-weren’t-hit-by-a-train-or-something bullets.

Miike Snow - Black and Blue

◊You know, I’m happy with my life. Simple, safe. I’m lazy. I thought I wanted to have all that prestige, but all of that work and attention overwhelmed me. Maybe that’s why he’s so unhappy, the way he is. I’d rather be happy than noteable.

‡A lot of what allows you to be safe and simple is the fact that you’re partly lucky, you know that right?

◊Yeah I know, if I were in Sudan or something, I’d probably have to do more, but what’s to say I can’t be simple and happy being a migrant farm worker in Africa? Seems simple enough.

‡But you don’t enjoy the hard work.

◊I don’t enjoy the thinking. I can do mindless hard work.

‡Sometimes that’s what studying is.

◊I guess you’re right. Though, I still see those kids who are less fortunate and I want to do something. Maybe it’s because I know I’m lucky and I have this privilege and that I’ve given myself some sort of responsibility because I am lucky, otherwise being lucky goes to waste. Apparently, enjoyment is wasteful to me. I want to help, but I’m too lazy, how do I reconcile that?

‡You don’t. Maybe that’s your problem, you reconcile why you don’t want to do anything difficult and that completely eliminates any sort of motivation you may have. I’m all for loving oneself, but no one should strive to stay the same. Liking yourself is important but it’s not the first step. You have to figure out who you want to be and then decide whether that person is who are, and if it’s not, then you have no right to like yourself. Strive to be the person you would like, and then like yourself, because then you are that person. Don’t convince yourself that you are wonderful just the way you are because you’re sitting pat and doing nothing and want to feel better.

My inability to focus, be calm, go slowly has creeped back up on me.

I do things I’m not supposed to, like spend hours watching an entire season of a new show I’m into. And then to make up for this lost time, I neurotically scurry and hurry and half-hazardously go through with the rest of the tasks in my life.

I’m getting tired of the highs and lows. The manic moments where I feel I can actually be productive versus the luls of my depression when I don’t feel like doing anything because even when I try, it comes out ineffective. If I am not in a manic state, I can force myself to, let’s say, write a paragraph for my essay. But it literally comes out as shit. Literally. Like, brown and gooey. Well maybe not “literally.” But sentence structures are awful and sometimes don’t even make sense (probably much like this entry.)

I don’t like short cuts. It’s what drives my neuroticism, my constant pursuit to make up in some quickthinking way for my lack of a pragmatic approach to whatever project I have put in front of myself.

I also suck at finishing up thoughts when I bring them up to people.

At some point in the future, I just want to sit by a pool and drink beer all day with some close friends, shootin’ the shit. Why is that so hard to come by? Need new friends.